More Confirmation

Sorry it's been a while since my last post, I wanted to wait to blog until I had confirmation after confirmation :) Well, as most of you already know.... WE'RE PREGNANT!! The last time I blogged I was on day 5 after the transfer. My next appointment was the next Friday, November 8 for blood work to see if my HCG levels were high enough, which says if you are pregnant or not. For some reason, on Monday the 4th (the day after I wrote my last blog) I got a feeling while sitting at Kaiden's therapy. When Kaiden and I got home, I wasn't even sure if I had a pregnancy test.  Sure enough when I looked, there was one shoved under my sink to the very back.  I thought, why not! I nonchalantly took the test, let Chloe (the dog) outside and walked back to look at the test, thinking I was going to see a "not pregnant" on the screen. To my surprise, it said "pregnant". I was in complete and utter shock! I didn't know what to think. We had been waiting on this moment for two and a half years! I wanted to surprise Brandon with the news, so Kaiden and I jumped back in the car, went and bought a big brother shirt, and made it back home right after Brandon was home. Kaiden had his new shirt on and handed daddy the test. The look on his face was priceless :)



Friday came along, and even though I cheated Monday, I didn't want to get my hopes up just yet. They took my blood and off I went. About two o'clock they called to let me know what my levels were. I was pulling up to a photo shoot when I got the phone call, "congratulations Jennifer, you are pregnant. Your levels were 487". Keep in mind that pretty much anything over a 5 is "technically" considered pregnant. Pregnancy tests usually test for about a 20 or 25. She did say my levels were high, which could mean possible twins, but could also mean one good healthy pregnancy. I still didn't want to get my hopes up and still needed more confirmation. I wanted to see what my levels were on my next blood work appointment. They are usually supposed to double within a day or so. I went back that next Monday and my levels had gone up to 1917. They had almost quadrupled! My jaw about fell off when she called me that day. Still, I wanted to wait. At least until I went back for the first sonogram to make sure the sacs were there and looked good. I went in the next Monday, November 18th. "Surprise, there are two!"

I was measuring right on track and everything looked good. Again, I still wanted to wait, now for the heartbeat sonogram. Monday, December 2nd was our next appointment to hear the heartbeats. We went in and the two little sacs were still there and you could actually see the little miracles in them this time. After measuring them both and listening to the heartbeats of both, everything sounded great! Baby A was measuring 7 weeks 3 days and had a heart beat of 160 bpm. Baby B was measuring 6 weeks 6 days with a  heart beat of 167 bpm. Everything was GREAT and we were all a little emotional. Looking back at the sac with Baby A, I saw something else and I noticed the Dr taking a look at it. When I asked what it was, he said, "well it is actually another baby, but I don't see a heart beat on this one yet and it's measuring a little behind the other two. It looks like you almost had triplets!" WHAT?!? That little one was measuring 6 weeks 3 days, so about a week behind. He explained that it would probably just dissolve. We won't know until we go back on December 23rd, if the third baby actually pulled through or if it just wasn't meant to be. As sad as I would be to hear that the third baby didn't make it, I know the other two are the embryos we put in, and we are thankful for whatever God gives us!

I feel beyond blessed, and want to thank all of you again for all the love and support you have shown and still show on a daily basis.

Transfer day!!

Well, transfer day has come and gone. Last Tuesday we didn't have to be at the Dr.'s office until 12:30, so I actually worked a half day in the morning to keep my mind busy. My mom came with me to work so she could drive me home after the transfer and Brandon could go back to work. Brandon met us at the Dr's office at 12:30. We got called back to the room pretty quickly, I changed into my lovely gown and waited for Dr. Le to come in.

 The embryologist was actually the first one to come in and talk to us. She handed me a picture of our little embryos. I was so excited when she handed them to me because I was hoping to get to see them. She explained the grading of each embryo and what the number and each letter meant. When I asked about the others, she said they would call me within the next two days and let me know how many had progressed enough for freezing.

The embryo on the top is a 2BB and the one on the bottom is a 2CC. Because it was still early in the day on the 5th day, it still had some growing to do which is ok. The embryo grading is as follows:

 

Grade 1: the fluid-filled cavity takes up less than half the space of the embryo.

 

Grade 2: the fluid-filled cavity takes up more than half the space of the embryo.

 

Grade 3: the blastocyst cavity has expanded into the entire volume of the embryo, pressing the trophectoderm cells up tightly against the inside of the zona.

 

Grade 4: Expanded blastocyst, where the blastocyst has increased beyond the original volume of the embryo and caused the zona pellucida “shell” to become super thin.

 

5: Embryo has breached the zona and is hatching out of its shell Grade 6: Embryo is completely hatched.

 

The letters following the numbers mean:

 

For the inner cell mass:

A: Many cells, tightly packed
B: several cells, loosely packed
C: very few cells

The trophectoderm grading goes like this:

A: many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B: Few cells, forming a loose layer
C: Very few large cells.

 

So, you can see that the top embryo is a little further along than the bottom one. He said if he had the same embryologist grade the same embryos about 30 minutes later, they would give it a different grade because they grow pretty quickly. He said these embryos are "beautiful" and was hopeful, which  made me more hopeful. He had me lay back on the table and wanted to make sure he could get through my cervix easily, before they brought the embryos from the lab. Once he had the catheter in, the embryologist brought in our sweet embryos. He put them in the catheter and said, "Ok, happy thoughts, they are in!" The embryologist took the catheter back to the lab to make sure they were not left in there and all was clear. He leaned the table back and I had to lay at a decline (or incline) however you look at it) for about 45 minutes. When Dr. Le left the tears started to flow! I had been holding them in since the embryologist brought me my picture. Once I started to cry, of course my mom started to cry. It is such an emotional roller coaster! Having that attachment to my babies (embryos) and knowing the rest is out of my control is a hard concept to swallow.  The rest is in God's hands, and all I have to do is trust in him.

 

 

All that was left in the room was my mom, Brandon, and myself, so we decided to say a little prayer. Crying once again. I laid back for about 45 minutes, the nurse came in and said we could leave, and I just had to take it easy the rest of the day. I had to lay down on the way home. We picked up lunch on our way home, and both laid down pretty much the rest of the day. I had put stuff together in the crock pot for chicken taco soup for dinner, so nothing else had to be done but sleep. Of course I couldn't sleep, my anxiety was through the roof, but at least I could rest. So now we wait until next Friday when I go in for blood work to see if it all worked.

 

The next day I received a phone call from the embryologist that I would have one, possibly two embryos for freezing. They were going to continue to watch the others to see if they made any progression and let me know.  When I asked her what they look for in determining if they are good enough to freeze, she said if they don't continue to grow like they are suppose to they aren't good embryos to freeze for a different transfer. Thursday, she called back and informed me that I had one embryo to freeze. I was a little disappointed that the others hadn't progressed enough, but again I had to remind myself to be thankful that I had one to freeze. It is absolutely better than none!

 

Today is 5 days past the embryo transfer and I have 5 more days to go! I have been at peace with the whole process, and all I can do is wait until Friday. I pray about it probably a hundred times a day, and that's all I can do. Thanks again for all the support, and we just ask that you continue to pray for us in this journey.

 

Pray for anything, and if you have Faith you will receive it. - Mathew 21:22

 



Retrieval and Pre-Transfer

Last Thursday was egg retrieval day. I was beyond nervous! There are so many questions, concerns, and worries that go through your head beforehand. We had to be at the Dr's office to check in at 9 and the procedure was scheduled for 10. My mom came with us so that she could bring me home to rest after the procedure and Brandon could go back to work.

The nurse called me back and took my blood pressure and temperature. Clearly my blood pressure was a little high, seeing as I was about to be put under for one of the most important decisions in my life. At the same time they took me, they called Brandon to a different room. Mom and I went to the recovery room, I had to change into the hospital gown and get ready for them to come get me for the procedure. One of the specialists, Dr. Escobar came in and said it would only be about 20 minutes or so and he would come get me. The anesthesiologist came in and asked some questions and explained what was going to happen.



The nurse finally took me back to the operating room. Once I was in there, I had to verify my name and number with the embryologist that would be contacting me the next day to let me know how many eggs fertilized. After the procedure, the Dr. told me he was able to retrieve 8 eggs. I was expecting more, but was and am absolutely thankful for the eggs they were able to retrieve!

The next day, which was Friday, I received a phone call from the embryologist during my lunch with two of my team members. She said that out of the 8 eggs retrieved, 6 of them fertilized on their own. I wanted to just cry. It took everything I had to hold back tears! I don't know which emotion was the strongest. Relief, joy, excitement, or all of the above. Just to think, I now have 6 babies growing as we speak. They may not be growing inside me at the moment, but they were mine and they had made it this far! She said that another embryologist would be contacting me on Sunday to update me on the embryo's progress. No matter how many prayers I say or how much faith I put into this process, there is always a distant fear in the back of my mind. It's only natural after all the disappointments we have been though on this journey, but I will not give up! When I get that feeling of fear, I try and push it away with more faith and positive thoughts.

Sunday was here and I was trying to keep busy. We had Kaiden for the weekend, and two of my nieces which helped pass the time. We were cleaning when my phone rang. When I answered and she told me that all 6 embryos were still growing as expected and looked great, again all I wanted to do was cry.  I hung up with the embryologist, and sat in the floor for a few minutes and just cried. I never knew the attachment I would feel to those 6 embryos beforehand. It's one of the most surreal feelings knowing I have 6 potential babies growing. For the majority of people at this point in pregnancy, they don't even know they are pregnant. For us, we know how many fertilized and we know how many have survived thus far. The embryologist said my embryo transfer date was Tuesday (tomorrow), and they wouldn't know until that morning which two embryos would be placed inside my uterus.

So here I am, the night before THE most important day of this whole process! All I can do is pray, pray, and pray harder that tomorrow will be successful, that my body cooperates, and the little embryos are able to implant. After tomorrow, there is about a 10 day gap before I will go back in and have blood work done to confirm pregnant or not pregnant. I ask that you continue to pray and keep us in your thoughts tomorrow and through the next 10 days or so.


The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.- Deuteronomy 31:8

Pre-Retrieval

Here we are, the night before the retrieval. A little nervous to say the least. I had my appointment this last Saturday to check the progress of the follicles. I also went in Monday and Tuesday morning for blood work and sonogram. The sonogram showed about 9 follicles on the right and a few on the left. This should give plenty of eggs to work with, hopefully! After the sonogram, I had a meeting with my IVF nurse informing me of my new "agenda" for the next few days of EVERYTHING I had to do and take, day by day.

 At 3 o'clock yesterday,  I had to take my last dose of meds. This meant I was still at school, so I had my school nurse give it to me. There was no way this girl was injecting herself with a needle! I also had to start a new medicine, but at least this one is oral meds. I have to take this one with food, otherwise I will get quite sick.  Last night at 11 I had to take the "trigger" shot, which is an HCG shot to mature the follicles and get them ready to release the eggs. Today I went in and got more blood work to check the HCG levels in my system. If they weren't high enough, I was going to have to stop at a pharmacy and give myself another injection. Thank goodness I didn't receive that phone call and my levels were good.

Tomorrow is one of the two most important days of this process. I will go in at 9 in the morning and check in, and my procedure will start around 10. Dr. Le said the actual procedure only takes about 20 minutes, although I have to be put under anesthesia so that should be fun :/

My mom and Brandon will both be there with me. They will also take a sample from Brandon so that after the egg retrieval they can put the egg and sperm together and they will hopefully fertilize. Otherwise they have to do that part manually, which cost another good amount. They will hold the embryos for 5 days and work their magic, then I will go back on Tuesday for the embryo transfer. Everything after that is up to my body. Lets just pray the embryo implants into my uterus next Tuesday and we will get good news in a couple weeks. I will try and update again on Friday, or possibly tomorrow after the procedure depending on how I am feeling. I don't really know what to expect, so don't count on it :) Thanks again for all the prayers, and keep them coming! Even though in the back of my mind I have a little fear of this not working, I have faith it will!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.- John 14:27

I Trust the Lord Will Take Care of Me!

Sorry I haven't posted lately, it's been a whirlwind of a week! Since the last time I posted, I have been back to Dr. Le twice. Last week I went in for blood work, sonogram, and to talk to the nurse about how to administer all the medicine. Brandon was there with me last week because he is the one administering the shots. If you know me well, you know that I am deathly afraid of needles. Clearly that fear has had to subside for the time being with all the shots I am having to take.

The ultrasound last week was to see how many follicles we were going to be working with, and the blood work was to check my estrogen level to make sure it was safe to start meds. After discussing how to administer all the meds with our IVF nurse, I got to battle insurance and pharmacy miscommunication as well. Not to mention, pay the pharmacy for all my lovely medicine :( Anyways, it all got taken care of and I received all the medicine on my doorstep the next day.

Last Friday we started injections. Keep in mind, these injections are in the stomach. I have a small area where they can be so trying to not inject the same spot twice is a challenge. Friday and Saturday I just had two shots a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. I only had to take one of the medicines those two days. Sunday was when the fun shots started! We have to mix 3 different vials of medicine together in the morning and evening so that I am only having to take two shots a day, instead of 8. Thank you Jesus!! The process of mixing all the medicines and preparing for the injection takes a good 5-10 minutes, and boy does it STING! I have to tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end and the shot will only last a couple minutes, each and every time just to get through it.

I went back to Dr. Le today for MORE blood work and another sonogram. They will be taking blood each time from now on to check estrogen and progesterone levels. The sonogram was to monitor my follicles and see how the meds are working. As Dr. Le measured each follicle, he had me write down the size of each one for him and which ovary they came from. He was pleased to see that I have at least 10 that are growing as we speak. That was great news! If you don't remember, the follicle is where the egg comes from. If it doesn't grow and reach maturity, it won't release an egg. He wants each of the follicles to reach about an 18, before completing the egg retrieval. I will go back this Saturday for another ultrasound and I am sure more blood work :/ and possibly every morning next week to monitor their size. As of right now, the projected 'trigger' day is Wednesday and the projected retrieval day is next Friday. When I say 'trigger' I am talking about a different shot that will make all the follicles ready to release an egg so that on retrieval day they are good and ready.

We are almost through this difficult journey! Continued prayers are welcomed,  that this is our time and everything works out.

Lastly, I read this verse yesterday and it has kind of stuck with me...

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. -Psalm 37:7

And one of my best friends sent this one to me yesterday...

She does not fear bad news; she confidently trusts the Lord to take care of her. -Psalm 112:7

Give Me Grace to See Beyong this Moment Here

It's been a few days since I have updated. I went back to the Dr. on Wednesday for the trial transfer. This is where they measure how far in the uterus is, so that on the day of the actual embryo transfer they will know how far to insert the embryo. I was super nervous about this because it is similar to having an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Considering I have had 5 of those, I was pretty familiar with how uncomfortable they are. Some people have better experiences than others. Every time I had one, including the x-ray I had done previously, all the doctors had to use a clamp on my cervix to get the catheter in so they could reach my uterus. Needless to say, it's just a tad uncomfortable.

As I was waiting for Dr. Le to come in to the room, I was trying to calm my nerves by taking deep breathes and praying that I would find comfort and that the procedure wouldn't be as uncomfortable as my previous experiences. The wait seemed like FOREVER! When Dr. Le finally came in the room, he told me he would insert the catheter through the cervix and place a drop of iodine, then we would do an ultrasound to see where in the uterus it was. This lets him know how far in he would need to go in the future. I explained to him that my other Dr. had always had to use a clamp, and he was quick to say he shouldn't have to. I was relieved! The procedure took no longer than about a minute or two, we completed the ultrasound, and I was on my way to talk to the nurse about more IVF details.

The nurse came in and we discussed my tentative schedule for the weeks to come, how many vials of each medicine I would need to get from the pharmacy, the price for it all :( and what the next appointment would consist of. I will stop the birth control on Tuesday, go back in for an ultrasound and MORE blood work, go back again the next Thursday for another ultrasound, and POSSIBLE egg retrieval on October 24. This could change depending on how my ovaries respond to the meds, but that's why we have several ultrasounds to monitor this.

I had to go in for blood work yesterday, October 3, for some routine tests they complete before the IVF process. As I was telling a friend, over the past few months I have had enough blood work to supply a blood transfusion. Oh, well! Hopefully the outcome will be worth it all. So now it is sit and wait for the next Dr's appointment and I will go ahead and apologize ahead of time for the mood swings that are to come in the next couple weeks. Just remember and understand how many hormones I will be injecting each day. It will probably be in your best interest not to say or do anything that may make me mad. LOL

As I was driving home yesterday, I was listening to the song Greatness of Our God, so I will leave this message with you today:

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
to believe that there is nothing left to fear.
And You were on it, high above it all,

 You, my God, are greater still

GOD is ALWAYS greater than what you can see. I will continue to pray, keep my faith, and trust he will answer my prayers.

The Biggest Decision of Our Lives

What an eventful and stressful last couple of weeks it has been! Last I posted, I told you about meeting with Dr. Le and discussing our options. Leaving the doctors office I was relieved and confused at the same time. Days went by and it was really getting to me... what should I do? Should I spend the money and go forward with the scope? Should I give IVF a try? I was at a loss and at one point all I could do was cry. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would lead me in the path to make the right decision, or the decision I would be happy with in the long run and that HE helps me find comfort in the decision we decided to make. I talked to Brandon about it daily, I talked to my mom about what I should do, I talked to my dad, and I talked to my best friends about what to do.

 At first I was pretty set on doing the scope. It seemed to make the most sense because I would get an answer, yes we found the problem or no, everything looked fine. The thing is, if I do the scope and it turns out that they don't find anything, I just spent thousands of dollars on a surgery for them to say, "well, you're next step is IVF" and all the money I just spent on the scope could have been used to put toward IVF. Again, I prayed about it hundreds of times a day. I woke up one morning and my decision seemed to be clear. After talking everything over with Brandon, we decided together that after 2 1/2 years of trying and everything we've tried from then until now, that IVF was our best bet. The decision was made clear, we were both comfortable with our decision, and feel excited and eager for the journey. I scheduled an IVF consultation for yesterday. We wanted to weigh our options, see how the exact process works, and get some questions answered by Dr. Le before finalizing our decision. Brandon couldn't go due to work, so my mom took off and went with me so I would have someone there to support me and be an extra set of ears.

I was an absolute wreck! My nerves were through the roof, my stomach was in knots, my whole body was shaking, I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof, and I warned my mom walking in that I would probably start crying while talking with Dr. Le so just to be ready. I know, we were just there for a consultation and to get more information about it, but to me this was a BIG deal. This decision could change our lives forever.

When we were called back to visit with Dr. Le, we discussed the success rates, the cost of the IVF process and medications, how exactly the procedure works, and the timeline for it all. Of course when discussing the success rate and how it's not a guarantee that this will work, I start crying. Big surprise, I know! I have to just keep my faith that it will work and pray about it constantly. With IVF, I have a 60% chance of getting pregnant, a 40% chance of twins, and only a 3% chance of triplets. He said in the last several years, there have been zero triplets (as he knocked on wood), so we should be safe there. I guess there is always that small chance, but it's a chance we will have to take. I cannot workout very much at all. I have 2-3 days a week I can do light lifting and/or walk. NO running because running can twist the ovaries. This I did not know! He said when I started my next cycle, and if we wanted to proceed with IVF, to come in and have a baseline sonogram done on cycle days 2-4. I informed him that Brandon and I have already been discussing our options before then, and had pretty much had our minds made up that this was the right decision for us. It just so happened that I was on my cycle day 4, so after calling Brandon to confirm that this was what we wanted to do, we went ahead and did our baseline sonogram yesterday.

What this means is I go back in next Wednesday for a trial transfer. They will measure my uterus and prepare for the actual egg retrieval that will happen about 3-4 weeks later. He started me on birth control pills for the next 10-14 days to rest my ovaries before I start all the medicine. While taking the medicine, I will go in for 4-6 sonograms to monitor the progress of the follicles. After about 10-12 days of medicine, I will go back in for the egg retrieval. They will take the sperm sample and the eggs and grow them for 5 days, then I will go back in for the embryo transfer. This is where all the extra prayers come in.... we will wait about 10 days before I go back in for a blood test to see if it all worked.

You may not agree with our decision to move forward with IVF, and that's your opinion.  Until you have personally experienced everything we have experienced in the past 2 1/2 years, I don't really consider your opinion to be valid so keep it to yourself :). No, we haven't had anyone specific give their negative opinion, I just don't care to hear it if you do. To those of you who support us and pray for us on a daily basis, we truly appreciate it! This has been the hardest and most stressful journey I have ever been on. People take for granted being able to get pregnant on a daily basis. Be thankful for what you have and the blessings you have in your life.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.- Proverbs 3:5-6

two steps forward, one step back

Well, as you know we had our appointment with the fertility specialist on Tuesday. We were given good news, and not so good news. Overall, very relieving. We started in Dr. Le's office discussing my history, what treatment we have used the past 8 months, looking at pictures of possible problems like endometriosis, and different paths we could take next.

I explained to him that my last Dr. diagnosed me with PCOS (polycycstic ovary syndrome). I also told him about my results for my AMH (anti-mullerian hormone) levels that she had informed me were a .4. I then told him where I read that if you have PCOS, your levels are high not low. Something just didn't add up. He then explained that if I had PCOS, my AMH levels would be high not low and when on to explain why. To top it all off, my previous Dr had explained that this number represented egg quality, which wasn't the case once again. AMH levels are egg QUANTITY. Quality of eggs depends on your age. Taking all this information in, and looking at all the pictures of what might be causing our issue, of course I start crying. If you know me well, you know that I cry just thinking about crying.

Dr. Le then asked what stage of my cycle I was in, and I told him I was cycle day 14. For those of you that don't know much about the whole cycle, that is around when most people ovulate. Although I had basically given up on the fact of anything happening this month considering I hadn't taken any meds at all, I still had faith that maybe, just maybe we would finally hear good news. He was curious to see what my ovaries looked like after all the PCOS talk and hearing about my AMH levels so we went into the ultrasound room. I don't know if I was more anxious and nervous Monday night before the appointment, or sitting on the ultrasound table waiting to hear what he had to say. As soon as he started the ultrasound, the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "well you definitely don't have PCOS." Shocked? Relieved? Surprised? ALL of the above! He showed me my right ovary on the screen and sure enough, no cysts. He counted 5 eggs on that side, then told us that I hadn't ovulated on that side but we would check the left ovary. He moved to the left ovary and sure enough, I HAD OVULATED!! That isn't a big deal to many people, but after thinking I had PCOS for the last 9 months and didn't ovulate on my own ever, the man just told me I indeed ovulated. And the tears started flowing, again.

Overall, he said I had about 8 eggs. Good, right? yes and no. He said someone my age (almost 29), should have about 10-12 + eggs each month. Considering I only had 8, he said that means my ovaries are about 5-10 years older than my actual age. Basically, that I am about a 34 year old trying to get pregnant. Again, if you know much about getting pregnant and age, 30 is typically when things start to get a little more difficult. He said that if my AMH levels were really a .4, then I wouldn't have 8 eggs, instead I would only have about 2-4 eggs. Again, another relief. He did say however, that this means I don't want to waste a lot of time. He gave us a few different options and left it in our hands. We can either:

• try Femara and an injectable hormone together for a couple months (he didn't want to use Clomid again because I informed him that it had thinned my endometrial lining when I did)
• have a scope to see if I have endometriosis that is in the way
• IVF

He said we didn't have to do the scope, but to me it's almost a given. I think we have decided that if it doesn't happen for us this month on our own, that I will have the scope to make sure everything is clear. I find it hard to continue with meds or jump straight to IVF, not knowing if there is still a problem. So now we wait to see if I end up starting, and if I do I will schedule surgery for the scope.

Thank you to everyone who follows us on this journey, prays for us daily, and keeps us in your thoughts. If it weren't for my support system, my amazing husband, family, and friends, I don't know what I would do or how I would get through it all. I will keep my faith strong and continue to hope for this miracle.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. -Hebrews 11:1

All things through Christ

As I lay her in bed tonight, anxious as ever, I wonder what news I will be faced with tomorrow....

• Will he give me answers tomorrow?
• Will he do bloodwork?
• Will he do another ultrasound?
• Is he going to confirm that my egg quality is low?
• Is he going to say it can't be fixed?
• Is he going to tell me I need a donor egg?
• Is he going to tell me my best or only chance to get pregnant is with IVF?
• Can I afford IVF?
• How will I pay for it?
• Will it even work? 
• Or will he tell me I won't be able to have children?

The questions just keep coming and the blood pressure, anxiety, and insomnia continue to rise. I have to take it one day at a time, accept what God has planned for me, and deal with it the best way I know how. My fear is that I will be one that is never able to carry a child, but my faith gives me hope that my Lord above will answer my prayers.... in his own time. One thing I never thought I needed much practice with is patience, but I have definitely been given opportunity after opportunity to practice. Tonight I'll end with asking for prayer. That's it. I ask that you pray that we get the answers we are looking for and the strength to take on any more obstacles put in our path.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. -Deuteronomy 31:8

More Bad News

Skipping forward from April through August, I continued to take femara and clomid combined, did acupuncture weekly, continued to take herbal supplements and did our 5th IUI. In addition, we added about 15 new vitamins to our diet in July-August.... yes, I said 15. I read where I should take individual vitamins rather than a multivitamin because the dosage for each is higher.

We also cut out all caffeine, coffee, tea, sodas, alcohol, ect. I drink strictly water. blah! After having no luck mid August, I requested to have my egg quality checked. Why this was never done to begin with, I have NO idea. Shocking, I know! I got a phone call on Tuesday of this week from my current Dr. informing me that the results came back and my egg quality is low. Good egg quality is about a 1 and mine was at a .4. I didn't know what to say. A part of me knew that something else would come between us and getting our little miracle, but the other part wanted to believe that I would catch a break, just once! Anyways, life goes on... does it do me any good to be mad at the Dr for not doing all the things I specifically had to ask for? no. Does it do me any good to dwell on the fact that I now wasted another 8 months trying for our miracle, now knowing my egg quality? no. All I can do is put my best foot forward and move on. I have had several recommendations for Dr. Le in Irving/Las Colinas, so I set an appointment for Tuesday at 11:15.

I will keep my faith, I will continue to pray, I will not give up!

But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded- 2 Chronicles 15:7

Road Bumps

Did we learn that things don't always happen in our time, but in God's timing? Maybe a little. Everyone around me was getting pregnant and having babies. Why couldn't I? If anyone knows me, they know that I am pretty organized and OCD.
 
I like things in a calendar.
I like things to happen as planned.
I am not good with change.
I like to organization.
The list goes on... you get the point.
 
So accepting this fact, was not by any means easy.
 
After only a few months we decided to give it another shot. We once again started trying for a couple months before deciding to try a different doctor that was a little more proactive at finding the problem. Our first appointment with our new doctor was in December 2012. I was around cycle day 14. For those of you who don't really know what that means, I was right around ovulation. We went into the doctor's office with high hopes, soon to find out something that would change our lives forever.  After going over all the spreadsheets I had brought in with all my cycles from the last year and a half, the length of them, and when I had gotten a positive surge on my ovulation strips (yes, I told you I am a little OCD), she took me straight into the ultrasound room to see what was going on. After looking at my ovaries, the words I will never forget, "Well, you aren't going to ovulate this month. The reason you're not ovulating on your own is because you have what is called PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)." What?? All I could do was cry. I was absolutely devastated. I wasted over a year of my life, thinking that I was ovulating, come to find out I more than likely never did.  Did I get an answer? Yes. Was it what I wanted to hear? Absolutely not. Could I overcome this? Yes, in time.
 
PCOS is basically a hormonal imbalance that can cause problems with your cycles and make it difficult to get pregnant. You basically don't ovulate on your own. As my doctor put it, "all your follicles are fighting over which one is going to take charge and grow to maturity for ovulation, but none of them actually do." She talked with us a little bit about PCOS and what steps we could take in trying for this baby we longed for. I left the doctor feeling broken. Yes, I was a little relived that I finally had an answer and knowing I could get pregnant, but I would just need some help. As soon as I got in the car I called my two best friends, my mom and my dad. I explained to them what was going on and decided to face reality head first.
 
My next cycle came and my doctor put me on Femara to help me ovulate. Almost two weeks after taking the meds I went in for an ultrasound. IT WAS WORKING!! I had a follicle that was growing!! Once again, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Did everything work that month? No. I wouldn't still be writing this blog if it had :)  February comes along and my doctor had me do an HSG test.  Long story short, this is an x-ray that checks your uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure everything is normal. WORST experience in my life!! But the good news is everything was normal. Finally a test that worked in my favor! ( I will NEVER do that again!!)
 
February and March I took Femara again, upping my dosage each time. I also started taking Progesterone a week after ovulation to make sure I was producing enough, otherwise I would miscarry. February was also when we started doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination), because during all of this we found out that Brandon's sperm count was low in certain areas. Just another obstacle in our way. The Femara helped my follicles grow, but I wasn't getting pregnant. April came around and we decided to try a different medicine, Clomid. It worked faster for me than Femara did, but I still wasn't getting pregnant. This month I also started going to acupuncture. Those of you who know me, know that I am TERRIFIED of needles! My anxiety and blood pressure go through the roof. After my first experience, it was actually refreshing and relaxing.  I was relieved... other than the fact that it is $75 a session and I usually go once a week, and usually twice a week for one of the weeks. On a good month, that is $375 a month!! She said it would take 3-6 months before she thought it would help me to get pregnant. She gave me an herbal supplement to take and I was on my way.
 
"Pray for anything and if you have faith you will receive it" ---- Mathew 21:22
 
 

Not In Our Time...

Well after a long journey of over two years, I decided to write a blog to share our journey in having a baby. So many people ask constantly what's going on and how we are doing, not to mention it being therapeutic for me, so here it is....
 
I'll start off by telling you a little about me. The one thing I have always felt comfortable with and have ALWAYS wanted, was to be a mom. That's it! I love being a mom!  It is my most treasured job. My mom always said that I was changing diapers when I was still in diapers, and if there was ever a baby around I was sure to be right by them. It was just natural for me. I didn't play with Barbies, I HATED barbies... I wanted baby dolls! God knew what he was doing by putting Brandon and Kaiden in my life. At least I had Kaiden to fulfill my emptiness.
 
I'll go back in time and fill you in if you don't already know our story to this point. We knew once we were married, we didn't want to wait long to start adding to our family. Kaiden wasn't quite two when we were married, so we figured that would be a perfect age difference. Simple, right? WRONG!
Two months before we were married my doctor at the time told me to get off the pill to let me body regulate and get on track. Two months passed, we were married, and little did we know our journey in adding to our family was going to be a long, hard road. Our honeymoon came and went, our family trip to Hawaii came and went and after about 4-5 months of trying with no success, I scheduled a doctor's appointment. I know 'they' say that the average couple can take 6-7 months before conceiving, but I was stressing myself out about things that could be wrong with me, and worried about if I would ever be able to have children. Why me? Was I going to be able to give my husband another child? Was I going to be able to experience the one thing I've always wanted? What is wrong with me? I put on a strong face, but deep down I was crushed and worried I would never be able to have kids. My doctor told me if I was having a regular cycle, then I was ovulating, and to quit stressing and let it happen. Let me just say that's easier said than done. He told me to come back in a year if I still wasn't pregnant and he would run some tests. We left feeling a little relieved that I was having normal cycles, and just needed to give ourselves some time.
 
A year came and went, and still no baby. I decided to go back to school, and we decided to give ourselves a break. God had other plans for us, and we just had to learn to accept that. There wasn't a night that passed that we didn't pray and hope that our wish would come true, but we had to learn that things don't always happen in our time... It's all in God's timing.